So, I've just started another session of Voice Classes and I couldn't have been more apprehensive about it. I know that at this moment in time, it is absolutely the best thing for me and now that I've started auditioning more regularly, my work will only be better off for it. But you know that part of us that really likes to check out and not be tuned in to what's really going on around us, or, more importantly what's going on inside of us? Well, voice class makes that "stuff" hard to ignore, which is essentially why this class is so crucial to an actor. As I've shared previously on this blog, ignoring that "stuff" is precisely what gets in the way of my acting.
The other day I was thinking that, in my mind, actors who have really devoted themselves to this craft, make a huge sacrifice to be actors. They sacrifice because by a mere result of their practice they spend a lot of time in a state of consciousness that most people don't; a lot of people don't even realize that there are different states of consciousness; and I by no means am claiming to be an expert. (However, if you are perhaps questioning what I am talking about, without judgement, I strongly recommend you read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho). With this state of consciousness, I believe, comes a responsibility, because you can't just be in tune to what's going on around you and inside of you and continue to ignore it. However, doing something about it is easier said that done, so its a constant struggle. Especially, when those around you have no idea that you find yourself in this state often; seeing things that perhaps they don't. It can feel lonely. And, it's hard to explain... and perhaps not worth explaining... when people don't know this experience for themselves. I wouldn't trade this state of consciousness for the world, because I truly believe it can lead to some amazing and beautiful experiences in both my work and my life. But, by the mere fact that you know it exists, means you can't just use it in your work, you have to incorporate it into your life. And, with that comes huge responsibility and a lot of tough decisions are forced upon you.
A long time ago, someone asked me what my greatest fear in life was. At the time I didn't have an answer; I had never thought about it. So, I thought about it and very soon I knew that more than anything, my biggest fear was not to ever reach my full potential in life. I absolutely feel I am meant to do great things; they might not be great to anyone else, but in my mind to think of all these "great things" excites me. However, I know that having allowed myself to live in a state of unconsciousness for so long, I have failed to reach any sort of greatness in my life; I really do believe this. I'm not saying that I don't have great things in my life...I do, but I don't feel like I personally have achieved anything great. This hurts me more than I can explain. I feel like I want to do so much and somewhere along the way I always find a way to get in my own way. For example, knowing I need to practice every day to even begin to call myself a devoted actor, I still let my daily practice fall along the wayside long ago (another reason, quite frankly, starting voice class scared me). Even now, I'm so tempted to write down excuses, but these are simply what gets in my way.
So, instead, I will write some of the "great" things I want to do...
I want to feel inspired on a regular basis
I want to inspire
I want to volunteer and make a difference in this life
I want to tell important stories through my acting
I want to act, regardless of the story
I want to write a play for myself to perform
I want to blog every day
I want to exercise every day
I want to find a way to put myself to bed early enough so that I can wake up early enough to do all the things I want to do in a day and still be able to function properly
I don't want to have a "day" job
I want to get outside every day and truly appreciate the beauty of nature; that's right... I want to hug trees!
I want to be a mom and every day I postpone getting to the all of the above makes me feel like I'm not ready to be the type of mom I want to be
I'm afraid this life will pass me by and I will not have done any of this
It's possible, you know...if I allow myself to live in a state of unconsciousness.
Oh, goodness, this voice class is going to mess me up. If I'm in a funk for the next 2 months, you all know why.
What is your biggest fear?
6 comments:
As always, thank you for sharing. It's so lovely of you to be so honest, and allow others in.
I would love to tell you what my biggest fear is, but I don't know the answer...I think having kids has made my heart too sensitive & tender to think about the scarier things in life. I can't even really watch the news anymore...I just feel too raw & it hurts too much. For example, there was recently a daycare fire not too far from us and 4 toddlers died; I was in a funk for days b/c of it. So I try not to think of my fears too much b/c they now involve my precious little girls & it's all too much.
Sorry for all that...hey, you asked. :)
Oh - I want to share so much, but I don't have the time in this moment to write it. I agree with you, I love your "goals" and I want to tell you about mine...and my fears, but I need to send this all to you later.
Until then - I think you should change "I want" to "I will", because you absolutely will...and go hug a tree, you hippie!
love,
m
Rachael, please don't apologize for sharing; I love that you do! I can just imagine what kind of fears your world opens up to once you have kids and that would probably top my list of fears from that point on for sure!
Meg, thanks for the tip...I WILL adjust my goals, and look forward to any time you want to share.
Wow... the biggest fear question... it's a question I find amazingly important. But I am sure you know that about me. My fear has altered since having my son... who has taught me such new levels of Love! Now my fears circle around not if I will be a good dad - but how I can be better and when good is enough... So proud that you are aware of and willing to face your fears head on... now crush them and let them drive you without taking over!! KUDOS TO YOU FRAFRALA
Jamal, I have no doubt you will continue to be a great dad, especially becuase you're so aware of wanting to be! Your reminder of not letting my fears take over are definitely words to live by.
Fra, it must be so hard to reach so deep in your soul and share your every thought! For that, I am so proud of you. You have such a huge amount of courage. Please know you inspire me!!!
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