Even though, no one in my Voice class is a reader of this blog, I couldn't resist giving them a shout out after what I witnessed in today's class. It's not easy to venture into the depths of your emotion and then choose to wade through it in front of strangers. Of course, it is made a tad easier by the fact that those strangers are like-minded individuals that are going through the same process and want nothing more than to support one another. Which is always great.
As my teacher said, it is such an honour to witness people come alive; to connect to their inner life and to own their space in the world and claim it proudly! Well, it's not exactly what she said, but its where I sit with it right now. It's funny because though I have always been respectful of the journey the other people in class are on I have really only focused on my own. Today ,watching the journey of a few of my classmates unfold before me, it made me so proud to be on this collective journey to be more present in the world and well, like I said, I wanted to give them a shout out for their brave work today. It only inspires me to be braver in my own work and reminds me that perhaps I'm not so alone when I feel like I just might be down in the depths of my own emotion.
Thank you!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
I don't even know what to call this post...
It's been an interesting week. Late on Tuesday, I found out that I got cast in a commercial or a "webisode" to air online that was shooting on Wednesday. Not the greatest pay, but hey, it was a step in the right direction. I didn't even have to audition; the commercial was just cast from our headshots. I was quite excited. I mean this will only lead to bigger and better things right? I was already polishing up my acceptance speeches.
Well, long story short, because I don't want to dwell on this, I show up for my 8am call and soon I'm getting my make up done. Me and the four other women who are a part of the morning spot are called on to set a few times to figure out our placement on set. During one "on set" visit, we were being shuffled around the counter in the kitchen where the scene took place. At one point, I was told to step off to the side as the shuffling continued. Turns out, it looked too crowded around the counter, so I was cut from the spot. Disappointing? Sure. But, I was supposed to be in an afternoon spot as well and not all the other girls were, so I thought perhaps it made sense to cut me and not one of them. They gave me the morning off, but I ended up hanging out instead, and in fact, I had a great day. The coolest part of it being the craft truck that had everything my little heart could desire! Guys, they had Nutella!! I mean, I didn't have any but how cool is it that they had it?!
Anyway, time comes to prepare for the 2nd spot and my make up gets touched up; my hair is curled and my wardrobe is approved by the client. I'm all set to go. In fact, all seven of the actors being used for this spot are ready and waiting. By this point, it's 5pm. I mysteriously get called into the other room and in about 10 seconds, this hopeful day turns out to represent quite the opposite when I'm told I've been cut from the 2nd spot as well. Turns out they wanted the 2nd spot to be couples only, and there was one extra female and seeing as I was the only one who didn't get established in the first spot (because they ended up keeping most of the girls from the morning), I was out. This is the explanation I was given.
I tried to handle it as graciously as possible and be as understanding as I could muster, because the poor messenger did truly feel awful about it, and I didn't want to hinder any connections I had made. But, of course, my mind went to a million different reasons as to why I was not put in the commercial. Some of them rational and some of them less kind and more self deprecating. I won't go into those reasons here...I'm sure you can all use your own imagination.
I do believe everything happens for a reason, however, I have gained no insight into this day yet. Yesterday, I woke up still feeling quite disappointed and was second guessing my life choices and whether I have what it takes to do this. Today, I'm choosing to just leave this odd experience behind and try to focus on what will come. The fact that I have an audition on Monday helps a bit.
And, that's all I have to say about that.
What would you have called this post?
Well, long story short, because I don't want to dwell on this, I show up for my 8am call and soon I'm getting my make up done. Me and the four other women who are a part of the morning spot are called on to set a few times to figure out our placement on set. During one "on set" visit, we were being shuffled around the counter in the kitchen where the scene took place. At one point, I was told to step off to the side as the shuffling continued. Turns out, it looked too crowded around the counter, so I was cut from the spot. Disappointing? Sure. But, I was supposed to be in an afternoon spot as well and not all the other girls were, so I thought perhaps it made sense to cut me and not one of them. They gave me the morning off, but I ended up hanging out instead, and in fact, I had a great day. The coolest part of it being the craft truck that had everything my little heart could desire! Guys, they had Nutella!! I mean, I didn't have any but how cool is it that they had it?!
Anyway, time comes to prepare for the 2nd spot and my make up gets touched up; my hair is curled and my wardrobe is approved by the client. I'm all set to go. In fact, all seven of the actors being used for this spot are ready and waiting. By this point, it's 5pm. I mysteriously get called into the other room and in about 10 seconds, this hopeful day turns out to represent quite the opposite when I'm told I've been cut from the 2nd spot as well. Turns out they wanted the 2nd spot to be couples only, and there was one extra female and seeing as I was the only one who didn't get established in the first spot (because they ended up keeping most of the girls from the morning), I was out. This is the explanation I was given.
I tried to handle it as graciously as possible and be as understanding as I could muster, because the poor messenger did truly feel awful about it, and I didn't want to hinder any connections I had made. But, of course, my mind went to a million different reasons as to why I was not put in the commercial. Some of them rational and some of them less kind and more self deprecating. I won't go into those reasons here...I'm sure you can all use your own imagination.
I do believe everything happens for a reason, however, I have gained no insight into this day yet. Yesterday, I woke up still feeling quite disappointed and was second guessing my life choices and whether I have what it takes to do this. Today, I'm choosing to just leave this odd experience behind and try to focus on what will come. The fact that I have an audition on Monday helps a bit.
And, that's all I have to say about that.
What would you have called this post?
Monday, March 14, 2011
My Biggest Fear
So, I've just started another session of Voice Classes and I couldn't have been more apprehensive about it. I know that at this moment in time, it is absolutely the best thing for me and now that I've started auditioning more regularly, my work will only be better off for it. But you know that part of us that really likes to check out and not be tuned in to what's really going on around us, or, more importantly what's going on inside of us? Well, voice class makes that "stuff" hard to ignore, which is essentially why this class is so crucial to an actor. As I've shared previously on this blog, ignoring that "stuff" is precisely what gets in the way of my acting.
The other day I was thinking that, in my mind, actors who have really devoted themselves to this craft, make a huge sacrifice to be actors. They sacrifice because by a mere result of their practice they spend a lot of time in a state of consciousness that most people don't; a lot of people don't even realize that there are different states of consciousness; and I by no means am claiming to be an expert. (However, if you are perhaps questioning what I am talking about, without judgement, I strongly recommend you read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho). With this state of consciousness, I believe, comes a responsibility, because you can't just be in tune to what's going on around you and inside of you and continue to ignore it. However, doing something about it is easier said that done, so its a constant struggle. Especially, when those around you have no idea that you find yourself in this state often; seeing things that perhaps they don't. It can feel lonely. And, it's hard to explain... and perhaps not worth explaining... when people don't know this experience for themselves. I wouldn't trade this state of consciousness for the world, because I truly believe it can lead to some amazing and beautiful experiences in both my work and my life. But, by the mere fact that you know it exists, means you can't just use it in your work, you have to incorporate it into your life. And, with that comes huge responsibility and a lot of tough decisions are forced upon you.
A long time ago, someone asked me what my greatest fear in life was. At the time I didn't have an answer; I had never thought about it. So, I thought about it and very soon I knew that more than anything, my biggest fear was not to ever reach my full potential in life. I absolutely feel I am meant to do great things; they might not be great to anyone else, but in my mind to think of all these "great things" excites me. However, I know that having allowed myself to live in a state of unconsciousness for so long, I have failed to reach any sort of greatness in my life; I really do believe this. I'm not saying that I don't have great things in my life...I do, but I don't feel like I personally have achieved anything great. This hurts me more than I can explain. I feel like I want to do so much and somewhere along the way I always find a way to get in my own way. For example, knowing I need to practice every day to even begin to call myself a devoted actor, I still let my daily practice fall along the wayside long ago (another reason, quite frankly, starting voice class scared me). Even now, I'm so tempted to write down excuses, but these are simply what gets in my way.
So, instead, I will write some of the "great" things I want to do...
I want to feel inspired on a regular basis
I want to inspire
I want to volunteer and make a difference in this life
I want to tell important stories through my acting
I want to act, regardless of the story
I want to write a play for myself to perform
I want to blog every day
I want to exercise every day
I want to find a way to put myself to bed early enough so that I can wake up early enough to do all the things I want to do in a day and still be able to function properly
I don't want to have a "day" job
I want to get outside every day and truly appreciate the beauty of nature; that's right... I want to hug trees!
I want to be a mom and every day I postpone getting to the all of the above makes me feel like I'm not ready to be the type of mom I want to be
I'm afraid this life will pass me by and I will not have done any of this
It's possible, you know...if I allow myself to live in a state of unconsciousness.
Oh, goodness, this voice class is going to mess me up. If I'm in a funk for the next 2 months, you all know why.
What is your biggest fear?
The other day I was thinking that, in my mind, actors who have really devoted themselves to this craft, make a huge sacrifice to be actors. They sacrifice because by a mere result of their practice they spend a lot of time in a state of consciousness that most people don't; a lot of people don't even realize that there are different states of consciousness; and I by no means am claiming to be an expert. (However, if you are perhaps questioning what I am talking about, without judgement, I strongly recommend you read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho). With this state of consciousness, I believe, comes a responsibility, because you can't just be in tune to what's going on around you and inside of you and continue to ignore it. However, doing something about it is easier said that done, so its a constant struggle. Especially, when those around you have no idea that you find yourself in this state often; seeing things that perhaps they don't. It can feel lonely. And, it's hard to explain... and perhaps not worth explaining... when people don't know this experience for themselves. I wouldn't trade this state of consciousness for the world, because I truly believe it can lead to some amazing and beautiful experiences in both my work and my life. But, by the mere fact that you know it exists, means you can't just use it in your work, you have to incorporate it into your life. And, with that comes huge responsibility and a lot of tough decisions are forced upon you.
A long time ago, someone asked me what my greatest fear in life was. At the time I didn't have an answer; I had never thought about it. So, I thought about it and very soon I knew that more than anything, my biggest fear was not to ever reach my full potential in life. I absolutely feel I am meant to do great things; they might not be great to anyone else, but in my mind to think of all these "great things" excites me. However, I know that having allowed myself to live in a state of unconsciousness for so long, I have failed to reach any sort of greatness in my life; I really do believe this. I'm not saying that I don't have great things in my life...I do, but I don't feel like I personally have achieved anything great. This hurts me more than I can explain. I feel like I want to do so much and somewhere along the way I always find a way to get in my own way. For example, knowing I need to practice every day to even begin to call myself a devoted actor, I still let my daily practice fall along the wayside long ago (another reason, quite frankly, starting voice class scared me). Even now, I'm so tempted to write down excuses, but these are simply what gets in my way.
So, instead, I will write some of the "great" things I want to do...
I want to feel inspired on a regular basis
I want to inspire
I want to volunteer and make a difference in this life
I want to tell important stories through my acting
I want to act, regardless of the story
I want to write a play for myself to perform
I want to blog every day
I want to exercise every day
I want to find a way to put myself to bed early enough so that I can wake up early enough to do all the things I want to do in a day and still be able to function properly
I don't want to have a "day" job
I want to get outside every day and truly appreciate the beauty of nature; that's right... I want to hug trees!
I want to be a mom and every day I postpone getting to the all of the above makes me feel like I'm not ready to be the type of mom I want to be
I'm afraid this life will pass me by and I will not have done any of this
It's possible, you know...if I allow myself to live in a state of unconsciousness.
Oh, goodness, this voice class is going to mess me up. If I'm in a funk for the next 2 months, you all know why.
What is your biggest fear?
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